Cancer. That’s a word that no one wants to hear their doctor say. Yet that’s the word that many people hear, including myself. For me, it began with a random pain that I ignored for a few months, until one day I decided to see my doctor about it. After an ultrasound I received a phone call, in which the ultrasound technician was the one to tell me that I had a mass in my abdomen. When he said the word, “mass,” I was shocked, because that was never the diagnosis that I expected. That led to scans, a surgery, nine days in the hospital, lots of appointments, what feels like gallons of blood being withdrawn, second opinions, proposed treatments… a lot of tears, a lot of fears, a lot of questions, and what felt like very few answers—well, answers that I didn’t want to hear. Tests showed that I have a rare cancer called leiomyosarcoma. Mine is made even more rare because of where the tumor began. I have heard words that I had never heard before, words like leiomyosarcoma. There are times that it still doesn’t feel real for me to say it, but I have cancer.
Since my diagnosis, I have come across a lot of questions. Some of those questions I have had myself, but others have been questions that I’ve heard other people ask. Questions such as, “Who is to blame when we suffer?” “How do I deal with a doubting faith?” “Is it okay to question God?”
Throughout this entire ordeal, I have had a choice to make: do I get angry with God or not? I know many people in similar circumstances who have chosen to become very angry with God. Although it’s normal to consider our emotions out of our control, for me, I have chosen to not be angry with God. Why, you ask? I guess, like anything else, there are many reasons, but the biggest one for me is that I don’t like being blamed for something that I didn’t do, so why would I blame God for something that I don’t believe He did? I don’t know what caused my cancer—maybe I did something that caused it, maybe I ate some things or allowed myself to be exposed to something that caused it. It could have been caused by the environment, or it could have just been something in my body that just wasn’t working right. Any of those possibly happened, or there could be some other natural, biological reason that I got cancer. It’s also possible that it was caused for spiritual reasons. Namely, it could have been caused by Satan.
Some may doubt that, or even scoff at the idea, but why not? In chapters 1 and 2 of the book of Job, Satan launched an attack on Job, trying his best to get Job to curse God. In chapter 2, Satan attacked Job’s health by covering his body with painful boils that went from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. In 2 Corinthians 12 the apostle Paul talks about having a “thorn in his flesh,” a physical ailment of some sort that somehow affected Paul’s health. Although Paul doesn’t tell us what exactly that ailment was, he does tell us who he blamed for it. He said it was “a messenger of Satan.” If Satan did those things to Job and Paul, then maybe Satan did something similar to me by giving me cancer. I don’t know, but it’s a possibility. If that were the case, why would I choose to be angry with God for something that Satan possibly did?
I know a lot of people who have faced difficult things in life, be it an illness like cancer, or some other difficult trial, such as financial troubles, or problems with their relationships with others, All of those people were faced with the same choice that I have, but many of them chose to be angry with God about it, because they blame God for their problems. They believe that either God caused the problem, or He chose to do nothing to stop or prevent the problem. As is often the case, blame can easily turn to anger.
Let’s think back to Job again, because there we learn something important about blame. Job was a very wealthy man who had a lot of possessions, a lot of servants, ten children, a wife, and he was respected by many people. In chapter 1, Satan took almost all of that away from Job—all in the same day. Job said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21). The very next verse says, “In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.” When he was born, he had nothing, not even clothing. And when he died, he would take nothing with him into the afterlife. Then Job praised God for giving him all that he had, because Job recognized that everything he had been blessed with, was truly a gift from God. Then Job said something interesting: he said that God took it all away. Now, you and I know from reading the first two chapters of the book that it was Satan who took all of those things away from Job, but Job didn’t know that. Instead, Job believed that if God could give him all of those blessings, then God could choose to take them all away. Notice again what Job 1:22 says: “In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.” Job had not sinned by saying that God had taken everything away from him, because Job didn’t say that God had done something wrong.
When we blame someone for something that happened, we are saying they did something wrong to cause the troubles and pain. At this point in Job’s life, he didn’t believe God had done anything wrong to him. Job looked at his possessions as though they were loaned to him by God. And if God could loan it all to Job, then God could choose to take it all back from Job.
Sadly, Job’s friends showed up and tried to convince him that all the bad things that had happened to him were actually his fault. They said that Job’s troubles must had been caused by some terrible, sinful actions on Job’s part. In other words, they blamed Job for having done something wrong. However, Job’s troubles were caused by Satan because Job was a righteous person. Yet, the more Job’s friends tried to convince him that he was at fault, the angrier Job became with God. Why was Job angry with God? Because Job was now convinced that God had done wrong by punishing Job with all of the adversity. But remember, it wasn’t God who did this to Job; it was Satan. But Job wanted to meet God face to face, as though he could take God to court. Job wanted to prove to God that God had treated Job wrongfully. Eventually, in Job 38–41, God did show up, and He presented His case against Job. When God had finished speaking, Job said, “I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” Why would Job need to repent? I thought Job 1:22 said that “Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong”? Up to that point, he hadn’t charged God with any wrong, but after his friends showed up, Job did begin to accuse God of doing wrong.
For me, I don’t believe God gave me cancer. So how could I blame Him for it, or choose to be angry at Him? Someone might say, “But God could have prevented you from getting cancer.” That is true. But what if I have cancer because of something that I have done? God has given us free will, which means I can choose to do things that might cause me cancer, and God knows that. But for God to limit that possibility would mean that we don’t truly have free will. Again, I don’t know what caused my cancer, and I don’t need to know. I just know I have it, and I have chosen to trust that God will heal me.
It’s easy to say that I trust God will heal me, but to be honest with you, I sometimes have moments of doubt. I occasionally have a mental “tug-of-war” with Scripture. What do I mean by that? You know how Satan tempted Jesus by quoting Scripture to Him, but Jesus countered Satan’s attacks with different Scriptures? I do the same thing in my head sometimes. For example, in Matthew 21:21–22 Jesus said, “If you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” Jesus promised that I would receive what I ask, if I asked for it with belief. Which makes me think of James 1:6, which says, “Let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.” Those verses make it sound like that if I have any doubt whatsoever—if I question whether or not God will answer my prayer to be healed—then I won’t be healed. Then the other side of the argument kicks in and I think about Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane right before He was arrested, praying that the Father would “let this cup pass” from Him, that He could somehow avoid being scourged and crucified, yet still save mankind. Did Jesus pray fully believing and without doubting? I have no doubts about it! But what was the Father’s answer? Based on the fact that Jesus was still scourged and crucified, then the Father must have said no, even when Jesus asked with belief and no doubt.
There is a passage that ended this “tug-of-war” for me. In the account of Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (a.k.a. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego), king Nebuchadnezzar intended to punish these young men with death in a fiery furnace, because they refused to worship the statue that Nebuchadnezzar had built. Nebuchadnezzar gave the three young men one last chance to save themselves by bowing down to the statue, otherwise he would throw them into the furnace, and he concluded by saying, “Who is the god who will deliver you from my hands?” (Daniel 3:15). A couple of verses later, the three Hebrews responded, “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.” Did you catch that? They believed that God was able to deliver them from the furnace. They believe that God had the power to rescue them from what seemed to be certain death. Then they said, “but if not…” Wait, was that doubt? Did they not believe that God would rescue them? Oh, they believed that God was able and could save them, but they didn’t know if God would choose to save them. To borrow the words of James, these young men believed that “if the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that” (James 4:15). But they didn’t know if the Lord would choose to do so—they didn’t know if it was the Lord’s will—or not. In the case of the three young men, we know that God did choose to save them from death. Maybe He will save me too.
I take a lot of comfort in this passage, because I whole-heartedly believe that God is able to heal me. However, He may choose not to, and I’m okay with that. Because if He chooses not to heal me, it means I will get to Paradise sooner. If He does choose to heal me, then I believe there is more serving and teaching that I can do to try to point people to heaven. My prayer, like Jesus and James, is that the Lord’s will be done.
You may struggle with the question, “Is it okay to question God?” When you look through the pages of the Bible, you find many righteous people questioning God and His actions. For example, the prophet Habakkuk says, “O Lord, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear? Even cry out to You, ‘Violence!’ and You will not save” (Habakkuk 1:2). Not only did Habakkuk question God’s actions, but he actually accused God of not listening. Yet, we have no record in the Bible that God was angry with Habakkuk for what he said. Another example is from the one who is our greatest example in all things: Jesus. As Jesus hung on the cross, darkness fell upon the earth. Jesus said, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46). We know from Hebrews 4:15 that Jesus never sinned. Which means that Jesus did not sin when He posed His question.
It’s okay to question God, but I would include three cautions:
- When we ask God questions, we should do so with respect and reverence. We should always remember that God knows infinitely more than we do, and He sees a much bigger picture than all of us put together. Perhaps some greater good will come out of what is happening. I’m hoping this lesson will connect with you and others in a way that will use my illness for good.
- Be careful that you do not let your questions turn into anger. Why would that happen? I have noticed that quite often when people ask God questions, they feel God does not provide the answer to them as promptly as they think He should, and their lack of patience often turns into anger.
- Also, when you do question God, make sure you seek an answer from Him. Pray to God that He will provide the answer to your questions and search the Bible for those answers. God will provide those answers but remember to be patient.
Having cancer is an experience that I never wanted. But now that I am on this journey, I am seeing things from a fresh perspective. Over the years I have helped many people who were dealing with a crisis, and many of them have asked me for the answer to these and other questions. Now I find myself being the one in crisis. While I have had (and still have) questions, I continue to trust that God will provide the answers. But one thing that I will choose not to do is get angry with God. He has been very good to me throughout my life, and He continues to bless me, especially during this time of trial. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I choose to focus on those things, rather than focusing on problems in my life. I encourage you to think about the words of Psalm 34:8:
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
God bless you, my friends. Go with Him.